Many wives who are getting ready to confront their husband about his affair anticipate lies, half truths, or out and out denials. Many assume that even if their husband surprises them and tells some version of the truth, this version is going to be watered down, on meant to diminish the reality of the affair.
That's why
some wives are very shocked when their husband gives an attempt at honesty -
brutally honest, in fact - about the affair. Here's what I mean. You might hear
a wife say: "I knew that my husband was cheating for almost six weeks
before I confronted him. During that time, I gathered my evidence. Because of
this, I knew a lot about the other woman. Still, I expected him to lie to me. I
didn't know if he was going to deny the whole thing. I figured he would have to
be pretty stupid to try that, considering how much evidence I had. But I did
think that he would try to lie about many of the details. I know that the other
woman is younger, prettier, and frankly, inappropriate for him, considering the
age difference, although they are certainly both adults. And I really did not
expect for him to admit to this. But he did. As soon as I confronted him, he
admitted everything. He told me her age without my asking. He told me what
hotels they went to and how often. He told me what the attraction was that she
was playful and adventurous. He even said that sometimes, he fantasized about
running away with her, but he admitted that he knew this wouldn't happen
because she was way out of his league and did not want anything permanent. Many
of my friends say it is a good sign that he was immediately willing to be
brutally honest. They say this shows that he ultimately wants to do the right
thing. And he is telling me that he wants to save our marriage. But part of me
thinks that his 'honesty' was only meant to hurt me. Maybe he is kind of proud
that he cheated with a younger woman and got to be sexually adventurous. One of
my friends say that maybe my husband is trying to 'get back at me' for
something. But honestly, I can't imagine what. I've been a good wife. I've
never cheated on him. There would not be anything to get back at me for. So why
would a man be brutally honest about the affair?" I'll go over some
possible reasons below and offer some tips on how you might tell which is most
likely for your husband.
It May Be A
Way To Brag: I am going to mention this first because I think that it is the
least likely scenario and I will tell you why in a minute. Some men do the
"brutal honestly" thing in order to sort of brag. They want you to
know that they were able to attract someone younger. Many will even go so far
as to insinuate that the other woman wanted a future with them. And yet, they
chose their wives. (This is meant to make you want them, despite their
infidelity.) However, your husband downplayed this aspect. Even though he
admitted to perhaps wanting more, he admitted that the other woman was out of
his league and wouldn't have gone for that. This is why I think that this
scenario isn't as likely.
It May Be A
Way To Hurt: Some men will use "honestly" to bring about comparisons
between the other woman and yourself. And these, comparisons do not always come
off as flattering. These husbands want you to know that the other woman weighed
less than you or was younger. These are the husbands that won't reassure you
that they still find you beautiful and attractive. These are not the husbands
who will fight for their marriage. These are the husbands who act as if their
behavior is justifiable. These are the husbands who act as if all men cheat and
that you should just get over it. The husband in question does not appear to
fit into this scenario, either.
Media And
Pop Culture Has Lead Us To Believe That 'Brutal Honesty' Is The Only Way To Go:
In today's society, there truly is not much modesty or privacy. Thanks to
reality TV, people tend to have far less discretion. They seem to think that it
is healing to tell everything. Your husband may be responding to this societal
norm.
He May
Think That Full Disclosure Will Help Him Save His Marriage: To be fair, there
is a perception that brutal honesty is necessary after an affair. It's thought
that in order to restore trust, you need to have enough courage to tell
everything. And there is some validity to this. Frankly, it sometimes takes a
lot of courage to tell this type of truth. He knew that you were going to be
angry and hurt. He might even have gotten away with a lie or two. But he didn't
attempt it. And the reason may have been that he purposely wanted to be honest
with you, even if this didn't paint him in the best light.
You know
your husband better than I do and you have a better view of his behavior from
day to day. You have to ask yourself if what he "lets slip" or
"discloses" is mean spirited, said out of spite, said in a boastful
tone, or is just meant to honestly answer the questions that you've asked. As
you examine his behaviors over time, this generally will become pretty obvious.
Because you are not just listening to his words. You are also watching for his
behaviors.
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