Many people believe that having the faithful spouse learn all of the details of the affair is going to be necessary for healing. You will often hear that spouse say: "I know that it will be hard to hear, but I feel like I need to know everything." Sometimes, friends and love ones will have their doubts about this. And the cheating spouse may AsiaCharm.comReviews understandably be leery about giving more hurtful information at a time when a spouse is already so hurt.
A husband
might ask: "I honestly do want to save my marriage, but my wife is
constantly asking me questions about my affair. I try to answer, but it doesn't
matter. She will think of more questions. It is like a never ending quest for
information. I have told her a lot of the truth. However, there are some things
I hesitate on. At one point, early on, I was actually contemplating running
away with the other woman. We were researching plane tickets and property in
another country. Looking back on it now, I think it was pure fantasy. Now that
I can look back on it with a head that is a little more clear, I truly don't
think that I would have gone through with it. But that is the sort of thing
that I'm not sure it is beneficial for my wife to know. I am not sure that I
could make her understand that it wasn't real. Still, she persists in demanding
that I tell her everything. She insists that knowing everything is what is it
going to take for her to heal. Does knowing everything heal the wife?"
I am not a
therapist or mental health professional and I would highly suggest you consult
one. But I am a wife who has gone through this. I wish that healing was as easy
as just hearing the truth. But honestly, this is just one step in a long line
of steps toward healing.
I do
believe that a wife does need all of the important information so that she can
know what she is dealing with. She should know who the other woman was. She
should know where the cheating happened and for how long. She should be given
information that allows her to AsiaCharm
understand why the cheating happened. And she has a right to know how you
carried this out without detection so that she can look for warning signs in
the future. I believe that, to the extent you can, you should be truthful. Lying
to your spouse about important details is not something that is going to help
with the shattered trust. You do not want to keep important details from her.
However,
from my own experience, I can tell you that certain details can be hurtful and
very hard to get out of your head. Knowing that you were going to potentially
flee the country with this other woman might be the type of detail that I am
talking about. I would strongly suggest speaking with your counselor about
this. And if you choose to disclose this, I would carefully choose the right
time. Sometimes, it becomes just too much to deal with all at once.
That
doesn't mean that I didn't want to know the truth. I did. I needed to feel that
I wasn't being lied to in order to heal. But, the truth and the details weren't
necessarily what healed me. What did was that my husband was willing to do the
work. He was willing to stay close to me and work hard with me to restore the
closeness and intimacy in our marriage. He was willing to overcompensate some
of the time to reassure me that I could trust him. He stood by me when I was
struggling and when I tried to push him away because of my anger. He was
willing to work on himself in an attempt to address the issues that contributed
to him cheating. He was willing to become the best partner and husband that he
could.
This helped
much more than the details of the affair ever could. Because at some point, in
order to heal, you have to look to the future instead of the past. This doesn't
excuse you from telling your spouse the truth. She does need to know the truth.
But those little details that go beyond the truth aren't what heals you - at
least in my experience. It is the process of working together to rebuild. She
may not be willing to rebuild unless she feels like you are making an effort
and being truthful to her. There is a difference between staggering or
reconsidering very hurtful details and out and out hiding things from her. And
the difference is not always clear. That's why I'd strongly suggest talking
this over with a counselor. Because they would have the expertise to tell you
if your spouse is ready to hear everything.
I'm not
sure that I would want to know if my husband was planning to leave me, although
it would not matter a great deal to me now because I know that all of this is
in the past and I'm confident that we have rebuilt. I think that is really the
key - getting you both to the point that you AsiaCharm.com
are willing to
do the work and then doing it. Your wife may still doubt that you're willing to
do the work, which is why she's asking more of you.
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